


and with the rising sun (i arose from ash and dust)

by biochemprincess



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 03:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2607101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when she finally breaks, it's dark.</p><p>or</p><p>a talk they really need to have</p>
            </blockquote>





	and with the rising sun (i arose from ash and dust)

When Skye asks her, if she wants to watch a movie with them, she declines. Her friend looks hurt for only a moment, but doesn’t question any further.

It’s easier, Jemma thinks.

They do not really trust her anyway; after leaving, after HYDRA; and she doesn’t want to make them uncomfortable. And a movie night with them all would be more than uncomfortable. It’d be hell.

So she doesn’t even try and she stays in her lab instead, all on her own, trying to figure out just why those bacteria is even existing and where it came from. It’s a task that occupies her mind enough to not think about the one person that’s stuck inside her head.

Laughter echoes down from the lounge and it pains her heart. She can hear Mack's roaring laughter and she feels jealousy whenever she thinks about it. Because he's allowed to be next to Fitz, when she isn't.

 _It’s easier. It’s easier, Jemma._ _It’s easier._

That’s her mantra. Being alone is easier, because that means there’s nobody left to lose.

Of course she is pissed for the way she thinks. Because she’s never thought like that before. Jemma Simmons always wanted to make friends, to communicate, but it never really happened easy to her and after she’d met Fitz it wasn’t really necessary anymore.

Because Leopold Fitz is every possible way of communication she’d ever need.

Yes, she is more than a little pissed, she is furious. But her anger is buried under layers and layers of pain and hurt and --- loss. It’s an explanation easy as that.

She mourns the loss of her best friend, of the time before.

And then, out of the sudden, it’s dark.

Jemma turns around, finding the light switch rather quickly. But no matter how often she pushes the button, nothing happens.

Her heartbeat quickens, her palms are sweating.

_Calm down. Calm down, Jemma. Calm down._

The lab is without electricity and from what she can see from her point of view, the power out concerns the whole building, since there is no light in the hallway either.

She walks towards the door with more force than necessary, but they are automatic and they do – not – open.

Nausea settles in her stomach and Jemma pushes back the urge to throw up. This is certainly not the time for a panic attack. But it becomes harder to breathe every passing second. She imagines the periodic table, recites it to herself to calm herself but it isn’t working.

Somewhere around Potassium her legs no longer hold her and she sinks onto her knees. Tears stream down her face silently. Within seconds she’s not in her safe lab anymore, but at the bottom of the ocean. It feels like being shut in a coffin.

Tremors wreck her body and she just - can't - make - it - stop -

And then she screams.

It’s a reflex, maybe somebody will hear her, save her from drowning in an ocean of pitch black darkness. She’s alone and she’s drowning and – there – is – not – enough – air –

There are sounds, vaguely resembling human screams, and she _knows_ they are hers, but she cannot stop. Not when the fear is so overwhelming, taking up the space reserved for logical thinking.

Jemma Simmons is strong and independent and certainly not afraid of the dark. But her body still trembles and her hands shake and she’s crying on the floor, because of a simple power out.

_Jemma. Jemma. Jemma. Jemma. Jemma._

She turns her head and there’s Fitz – her Fitz, healthy and safe and whole – on the other side of the glass. His lips are moving, but Jemma can’t make out a single word. She only hears her name, the way he tries to anchor her to reality.

“Can you hear me, Jem?”

He is on his knees, just like she is and they meet on eye - level. She nods in agreement, tears still rolling down her cheeks. Fitz lets out a tiny sigh of relief. Fear is clearly visible in his eyes, they must be matching her own.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Jem."

He seems so sure, so confident, so much like _himself_.

"Why are you here?" It comes out harsher than she intended to say it. But her mouth does this to words a lot lately. “I mean, shouldn’t you be fixing the circuit breaker?”

_Instead of staying with the crazy girl._

“Nah, Mack got this. He’s – better, faster. And I --- you were screaming.”

Something inside her breaks again, all the pieces she held together so carefully, shattering hard and fast. Even more tears are forming, though it should be physiologically impossible.

“I can’t be strong anymore, Fitz.” He looks surprised by her confession. She knows by the way his eyes widen, how he tilts his head to one side just slightly.

“Then don’t be?” It sounds both like a statement and a question.

Jemma closes her eyes, easing herself into what comes next. She hasn’t been this open for so long now. It feels raw and vulnerable and oh so fragile, like an open wound.

“I tried, for you. But I failed and I --- I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix me, Fitz.”

She only realizes what she said when he doesn’t answer anymore. Fitz is analysing her words like it’s a difficult cross-word puzzle, something to be put into neat little boxes. But it not that easy, though Jemma wishes it was.

“You didn’t --- fail. We only have different ways of --- approaching a subject. One problem, but many different solutions. You know?”

She smiles weakly. “I think I do."

"You know it's not one - sided, right?" His fingers scraps over his cheeks and neck, trying to find words buried in his brain. "Our relationship? I'm here - if you need me. If you - want - me to be here."

"I always want you to be here, Fitz."

He nods solemnly. It almost feels like the universe is shifting, redressing the balance that was lost deep under the sea. It's nowhere near a confession, but it's everything she can give at the moment. And it is enough.

“Do you really like my new hair?” she asks out of nowhere, because suddenly it feels really important to know.

He looks somehow puzzled, but nods. “Yeah, sure, I like it.”

“Good. I don’t --- like it that much, you know. I only cut them, because it’s --- easier.”

“What?”

“Short hair’s easier to wash --- means less time under the shower.”

The confession weighs heavy on her tongue and it stains her lips like a fading bruise. There are certain truth she hasn’t admitted to herself yet. Her fear of any form of water is one of those. Quick showers are alright, but anything over five minutes and she's on the edge of a panic attack.

“You think I like my stubble?” His hands rub against his cheek and Jemma can almost hear how rough it is. “I’m not that good with --- you know --- razors nowadays.”

“It suits you.” she says and means it just like that.

They smile at each other. Silence settles between them, but it's not uncomfortable anymore.

“We are an odd pair.”

“Have we ever been anything else?”

His face lights up. “No, I don’t think so.”

Just as the words leave his mouth the light goes on again and simultaneously the doors open. They fall into each other’s arms almost immediately. Her arms wrap around his body and clings onto him like a lifeline. It's really needy, Jemma thinks. But she doesn't give it a second thought. She also doesn't really care anyway.

Neither one is moving on the floor, her head on his shoulder, and they just breathe. Even more tears fall, staining his shirt, but Leo doesn't mind. He stays like this with her for what feels like an eternity. Together they hold their broken pieces together.

Because it's all they need right now.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really wanted to write this. And I did. Though I think if this was real, it would only be the beginning of a lot of talking and even more fighting, because after everything they've been through they have changed and it needs to be adressed that way.  
> Unbeta-ed, so all mistakes are mine.  
> Title come from 'Help Our Souls' by Nihils.  
> Let me know what you think. :)


End file.
